Workout updates

Two in one, since I forgot to post these when I did the workout!

At Anna's house, I decided to run in the old neighborhood instead of working out on a machine....GLAD I DID!

Workout #1:

Jogged .9 miles and cooled down


Workout #2:

Jogged 1.1 miles and cooled down.

Now, to keep that up!!! WOOHOOOOO!

Looking back on Father's Day

So, I haven't had a chance to sit down and really type anything lately. I've actually been quite tired, cranky, and not very into DOING anything that needs my brain...go figure.

Father's Day was so strange without Todd. Thankfully, we got to talk with him, and the girls got to say hello and wish Daddy a good day. We had sent him a tshirt that the girls made for him, and he wore it to work Sunday and send us pics of it, so that was pretty cool! He seems to be doing well there. He particularly seems to be enjoying the work. It sounds like he is doing some super important and high speed stuff, so from a career standpoint, it must be thrilling! I'm glad. He now has his friend Kris (Mr. K-ris) in the Green Zone as well, so that is nice for him. Ginger and I are both now dealing with learning how this whole deployment thing works. I think we'll both be just fine!

As for the girls, Leah had a special day because she got to sing at church. The VBS kids put on a presentation to the church of the songs that they learned during the week. She LOVED it, and it was super cute.


Kara decided (on a whim like Kara usually does) that she needed to have earrings. She was quite sad because she wanted to be able to wear her earrings to bed, and when I told her the night before that she couldn't wear her clip ones to bed, she was sad. So, that was enough to make her want to do the ear piercing thing, and viola! We now have two girls with beautiful earrings (will post the video eventually)

Workout update

Treadmill Day #9:
25 minutes
239 calories
1.79 miles
1.2 miles jogging 10.75 min/mi pace!!
.65, recover, .35, recover, .2, recover

Not bad, considering my PMS today, eh?

Workout update

Treadmill Day #8:
25 minutes
239 calories
1.79 miles
1.2 miles jogging 10.75 min/mi pace!!
.65, recover, .30, recover, .25, recover

Same as last time. I'm not discouraged, though, because I have a minor sinus thing going on and a lot of stuff dripping down my throat which made it difficult to breath well.

Will try to improve next time to .75 miles first stretch.

Will be at my sisters for a couple of days, so no treadmill until at least Thurs.....so we'll see!!!

Workout update

Treadmill Day #7:
25 minutes
230 calories
1.80 miles
1.2 miles jogging 10.75 min/mi pace!!
.65, recover, .30, recover, .25, recover

MUSIC is a great motivator. Wore headphones and had music egging me on!!! Hoping that maybe the time after next to get a mile at once!!

The news is evil

Well, now I know why we don't really watch the news at our house. You see, my parents are OBSESSED with the news. They will watch ABC on the weekends, where they simply repeat the same news over and over for 4 hours. Holy moly. To hear the newscasters report it, judgement day is near.

Seriously. If I hear the story about the man who drown in the Ohio Pyle river, or the boy scouts who died in a tornado, or anything more about the flooding in Iowa, or how the price of a gallon of gas is going to be $5 by Labor Day, or the amount of money it will be costing to simply check a piece of luggage when you fly, I'm gonna pull my ears off. Is it all news worthy? Sure. People love to hear about tragedy (why is beyond me), but good heaven's. The end of the world is NOT coming people.

It IS a good thing, because hopefully people will start to realize that when it comes to a lot of this stuff, there are many things that individuals can do to help.....in the form of greener lives and better ways for the earth. However, people in general are selfish and uncaring, so not much is going to change, I'm sure....at least in this rural backwards place. I mean, seriously, most people here won't even consider recycling (because they actually have to take the stuff to a recycling center themselves)...it makes me crazy!

Off on a tanget I go. Bottom line is this. I don't like to watch the news. I know that these things go on. I read about the important stuff online. I don't care to watch them over 18 times and feel depressed that I brought children into such a shitty world.

I'm done. I think :)

On a happy note....the girls had a blast swimming at Larry and Jodi's tonight. They were both jumping in off the diving board with their swimming vests on and not thinking much of it. It's wonderful to see them not afraid, though I will be teaching them respect for the water, of course. Everyone went to bed in a good way and without any major tantrums, so I'll take it.

GOOD NIGHT.

Workout update

Treadmill Day #6:
25 minutes
223 calories
1.71 miles
1 mile jogging 10.5 min/mi pace!! (with a .1 mile sprint at the end!!)
.35, recover, .25, recover, .2, recover, .1, quickrecover, .1sprint

Just wasn't feeling it today. I think i need to keep my slower pace until I can do a mile at once, then increase a bit at a time until i'm doing a decent timed mile.

Another setback for Mom?

Being with my family is nice in so many ways, but there are still those days that this just sucks beyond belief! Yesterday was one of those for me. I actually ended up SICK. I have no doubt that it was stress and lack of sleep. Since arriving at my parents house, I haven't been able to go to sleep before 2 am. Now, thankfully, a few mornings, I slept in until 8, but still....6 hours doesn't work for me at all.

I still don't feel like I can totally relax and let go. I feel like my parents have this attitude that I just have to tough it out, and the kids are totally my responsibility. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it's right. I mean, they ARE my responsibility. On the other hand, if I can't count on them to help me catch a few minutes of a break, then who can I count on? I mean, really....would it hurt for them to offer to watch the kids while I go do some shopping or something? I ran to the convenient store a mile away today, and it was the first 10 minutes that I was ALONE since my husband left (without a responsibility besides myself). No wonder my body shut down yesterday.

Emotionally, I had a rough one, too. I keep thinking about father's day and how he won't be here. It really sucks. I know that it will be fine and we will get through it, but I hate it. I hate it for my girls. I hate it for me and for him. But, he volunteered....and there are still days that I'm really angry at him for that. Esp. when we're swimming, and i have two girls in vests in the water who both want to take them off to "learn how to really swim" and I can't do it alone. They aren't patient enough to take turns because they are too excited. So, I'll have to come up with some kind of plan for this one.

It's also very hard being home emotionally. I don't like being in this place....where I grew up. My life is so far gone from this place now. I don't like the feelings that I have here....that I'm out of place. I don't fit in here. I don't belong here, and it's uncomfortable. Without sounding like too much of a snob, I'm beyond this place and most of these people. There isn't much of an open mind in small town, rural Pennsylvania, and I can't really deal much with that. I don't have a tolerance for closed minds....strong opinions, yes, but not closed minds. I keep having funky dreams about people in high school and all kinds of weird shit. I don't like it one bit.....there is a reason why I've left all of that behind me. I love my life the way it is......and sadly (because I DO miss my family), that is a life that is NOT here.

Well, I'm all over the place tonight. I need to get some Disney planning done. I'm glad to hear from Todd that he's looking forward to our trip when he returns. I think it will be a great help to all of us reconnecting.....at least I HOPE it will!!!

Tourguidemike, here I come.

workout update

skipped yesterday, went swimming with the girls.

Treadmill Day #5:
25 minutes
234 calories
1.75 miles
1.1 mile jogging 11 min/mi pace!! (with a .1 mile sprint at the end!!)
.75, recover, .2, recover, .1, .1 sprint, recover

I'm still miserably bored on the treadmill, though. Need to get some tunes going.

Hoping for a phone call

Communications have been down for Todd the last couple of days. The last time we spoke with him was yesterday afternoon. He didn't call last night (when he was getting up for the day), or this afternoon (when he would have been getting ready for bed). I didn't realize how much I looked forward to hearing from him those two times a day. It's only a few minutes, but it feels so good to stay connected. I can't even IMAGINE what it must be like to not hear from husbands for a couple of weeks! I tell you that the soldier's wives are my heroes (oh crap, is that an oes or an os?...I'm not very good at this spelling thing!).

The girls seem to be doing a little better today, and thus, me as well. It's stressful for me not knowing what to do to help them. I hate being bitchy and grumpy with them, too. I'm trying to do more FUN things with them, just hanging out and stuff. Leah and I had a great talk tonight before she fell asleep. It was just nice. I felt very close to her, and that is a good thing.

It's getting super hot here now. The air conditioners are in and we're ready for the 90 degree weather. We were going to visit the Pittsburgh zoo this weekend, but might skip it until there is a cooler day. 90 doesn't sound like much fun to me.

We'll probably set up the big blow up pool that we bought. the girls will have a blast. Maybe we'll head out to Larry and Jodi's pool, too. The girls have been having a ball doing all kinds of "country" things. They've been swinging outside, finding bugs, and rolling down the hill in my mom's yard. It's just the best! Very relaxing for all of us that way.

Now, wish me luck that in another 1.5 hours, my cell phone rings, and it's Todd saying hello :)

workout update

Skipped yesterday.

Treadmill Day #4:
23 minutes
212 calories
1.68 miles
1 mile jogging 11 min/mi pace!! (with a .1 mile sprint at the end!!)

Dear God

Help me to get better at this. Guide me in a way that I can help my children deal with their daddy being away. Be with us so that we may come together as a family and be strong. Amen.

Today is just one of those days that I am done. I want to run and hide and pretend that I'm a child again. I want someone to take care of me. I want a grown up who knows how to do this to take care of my girls. I can't possibly deal with things when I don't have a clue what to do to make them okay.

The girls are having a VERY hard time adjusting to being at Grandma's house. So much so, that I'm second guessing our coming here. For me, it's mostly better because I'm not alone. However, it's really hard when it comes time for BED. In Saint Louis, we'd just gotten into a grove and finally had it all down. Uno. Brush teeth, potty, bath. Books. ABC game (mostly Kara nursed here). Bed for Kara. Once she was sleeping, Leah and I did another book or two, laid down and talked then she went to sleep. Everyone was out by 9 and that was that.

Let's just say that at 10:15 (MO time), my girls are finally sleeping. One or the other of them has had a MAJOR tantrum after dinner/before bed for every night that we've been here. I dont' know exactly WHY, other than, gee...daddy being gone, being away from their house and routine, having a grandmother who (although she loves them to death) seems to feel like she needs to show me how to be a better mom by constantly "putting my girls in their place". I'm having some REAL issues with that, I have to say. Sometimes I just don't get where she is coming from, or why she feels the need to be so in charge. We have different feelings on kids and the way to deal with many things. For some reason, apparently in her house she won't respect my ways, but rather, she'll make up the rules. My poor girls are suffering for it, and they must be so freaking confused.

So, after tonight, Kara FREAKING out more than I;ve ever seen. Me getting upset, her upset, Leah feeling bad for Kara and me. Kara hitting me, me spanking Kara...the list goes on.....I've decided that it's just going to have to be all about those girls from me while we're away. I know that things need to stay somewhat "normal", but that's out the window at this point. I will try my best to just be with them so that the three of us can get through this. To hell with pretty much anything else.

I really really could have used Todd to lean on today. If he were here, these problems wouldn't have existed. Sometimes I'm pretty pissed off about that. I do understand, but hope he knows what these girls are going through for him, and our country (in a weird way). He's not the only one sacrificing. I hate that my girls didn't have a choice about it,

Why can't I just relax?

More on the details later. I had to type out a few things so that I don't forget to talk about them.

-I'm tough attitude
-Cooking
-feeling like I don't belong. I'm a snob
-Happy to be with family. Nice to be distracted. Wish it weren't so blah.

Workout #3

Day 3 on treadmill:
23 minutes
211 calories
1.65 miles
1 mile jogging 11 min/mi pace!!

**NO, it wasn't a whole mile at once, but three different pieces...
.55, recover, .25, recover, .2, recover

My goal by the time Todd comes back is to be able to run a 5K with him. NO, I don't have to do it FAST or even without walking some, just mostly jog 3.2 miles. Ultimately, I would like to do it all at once without recovering in between, but I don't know that it is realistic to expect that by the time he comes home knowing that I'm only going to have access to a treadmill for 4-6 weeks....unless Kara all of the sudden decides that going to the gym daycare isn't so scary for her.

The trip

Driving from Saint Louis, MO to Elderton, PA seems like a normal thing to do, to me. My neighbors (as well as others in MO) seemed to think that I was rather foolish for packing up myself, a 5 year old and a 3 year old, and two cats (14 and 13) for the (what turned out to be a) 13 hour trip. 701 miles. I drove the whole thing. I'm proud!

My mom came with us so she could help when the girls needed things, but they are needing things less and less on our trips. They really are seasoned travelers, and that makes me feel proud! I don't want my girls to be the type to sit around and never travel more than 30 miles from where they were born. There are so many people (esp in this place) who seem to be content to be like that. I can't imagine. Thank God.

The girls watched DVDs, mom and I planned a few things about our cruise (Feb 2009), we all played the ABC game, and some car BINGO. It was (dare I say it?) FUN!

Now, how I feel about leaving MO for so long? More on that later. I thought it was going to be a good thing...now I'm not so sure? I reserve the right to make a judgement on that a few days from now when I see if things around my mom's house change. The girls are having all of the behavior issues that they had when Todd left. They are trying hard to adjust to having grandparents around to help disipline (and having these grandparents who are hell bent on disiplining (did I spell that right?) them is ROUGH on them). Kara had a horrible melt down the first night (tired did NOT help) and today Leah melted down as well. I think I just need to spend some one on one time with them, just playing and TOUCHING Leah (Leah seems to respond well to physical touch...Kara HATES it when she's upset)...go figure...they are opposite about everything in life.

All in all...things are okay. It's still lonely missing Todd, but at least I'm not alone anymore. If that makes any sense at all.

Now to make our plans for the next few weeks. Need to head down to VA, then to Todd's mom's in PA, then to my sister's house for a while. Back here, then we're back to MO and waiting for Leah to start Kindergarten. Then, shortly after, Todd is home and VACATION TO DISNEY it is!!!! Can't wait.

Workout number 2

Day 2 on treadmill:
33 minutes
215 calories
1.8 miles
.65 miles jogging at avg of 11 min/mi pace

I was on the phone with the new momma, Chinell for the first 20 minutes of workout, so didn't have a super high pace then.

Update on Baby Peyton: She's doing very well, but still in the NICU. Chinell said that they should be able to bring her home by the end of the week. She has nursed twice and is a natural! Please keep the prayers coming.

Updates on our journey East later when I find a few minutes where the girls don't need me and I'm not freaking tired!

Workouts starting

Treadmill Day 1: 25 min (including warm up/cool down)
211 calories burned
1.6 miles
.5 mile jogged at 10 min mile pace

Almost time to leave

Can it be true? It's already almost time for us to head back East. I can't believe that Todd has been gone for an entire month already! In ways it has gone by quickly, even still, I can't fathom doing this for 3 more of them! UGH!

I know now that things will be "easier" for the next couple of months, though, and that helps a ton. The girls will have a bit of adjustment getting used to listening to grandparents and all....will probably be the hardest thing about all of this part. They are certainly looking forward to the adventure.

So, cleaning up the house today with my mom. Packing up tomorrow. Hoping that I don't forget anything. Nervous abuot leaving the house for so long, but excited just the same. Happy to have the opportunity to visit friends and family.

The girls actually went to be fairly well tonight. Kara did remember her "nursies", so I guess hse isn't officially finished just yet. It's okay. We're getting there, an that is all that matters.

Let's hope that packing up goes smoothly and that our journey on Sunday is UNEVENTFUL!

So, tonight was the night

Kara didn't ask to nurse. Am I happy? This might sound crazy stupid, but no, not really. It's been a hectic day, and I think that as much as I'm ready for her to wean, the nursing calmed my day and was my routine as well. Yes, in the long run, I DO think it's time and I am happy that she is seemingly moving on and we won't be nursing to sleep anymore. Strangely enough, I think that is all that I needed (for her not to NEED me for sleep), and I doubt that I'll mind if she asks to nurse in the morning for a little while longer. I won't, however, offer it to her. We'll see how things go.

Crazy day wise, Kara decided to spill a glass of water onto the laptop today. We were on the floor with the laptop, and it was totally a freak thing with the glass on the table sort of above where we were. Perfect timing, blah. It was only a little, and it seems that things were working fine (though I'm not sure, the speakers might have gotten zapped). I turned it off, and took the battery out, but nothing was wet in weird places. It is sitting downstairs awaiting a 24 hour cooling off (drying out) period. Tomorrow night, we'll turn it on and see how she faired. I know the screen is going to have problems, as it seems that somehow the water got into the smallest of the spaces and into the screen. THere was a "water stain" before I turned it off. Not sure if that will be okay when it dries or not. We'll see. I'm so ticked about the fact that I didn't notice the water there (I'm soooo vigilant about liquid near that computer) that I could spit!

In anycase...why not...it's only MORE money to have to replace it. It's only 3 months old for heaven's sake. That's what I get on the day that we get to see the wonderful first paycheck for hubby's work in Iraq. We are the "even family", so I'm not surprised that something went wrong that will most likely cost me money today.

We took Grammy to Grant's Farm after we picked her up from the airport. Everyone enjoyed themselves. It seems that things are going well and it's even nice for the girls that someone else is around for a change (though they are testing a LOT today).

Colds are still lingering. Benadryl for all tonight (lots of sneezing and runny noses). Go away you silly bugs!

Okay...time for Leah to get to bed. Kara is sleeping, but Leah is playing with Grammy downstairs. I need to go save her :) (that would be GRAMMY!).

IT'S a GIRL (again!)...

Wonderful news. Jason and Chinell are new parents to a baby girl born this afternoon! Welcome to the world Peyton Lynn. Mom is doing fine. Baby is in the NICU to help with her blood sugar which is lower than they want it to be (a complication that Chinell is familiar with). Keep them in your prayers, but things are looking good!

Peyton was 10 pounds (at 37 weeks!), so Chinell seems to be at peace with her decision for a repeat c-section.

God Bless this wonderful new life and guide her family in the ways of the Lord.

Everyone is sick

On a bright note, tomorrow is the day that my mom comes into town. I have relief in site. Interestingly enough, today has been one of the worst emotionally for me. I wonder if it's the release due to the fact that my mom will be here soon? Or just that it's been a month now? Or that everyone is my house is sick?

We all three have colds...Leah started a couple of days ago, then i felt it this morning, and now Kara just woke up and needed me to hold her back to sleep (which hasn't been happening these days at all) and she's all stuffy, too. I have a smelly plug in thing in their room to help, but I still see them needing me tonight and probably ending up in my bed (just like last night). Colds do this in our house.

So, here's to hoping that they are short lived and that our plans for Sunday and driving for 12 hours will still work out.

Also noteworthy...one of my best friends just found out that she will be having a c-section tomorrow to finally meet her 5th child! She has an older daughter, 2 girls who are the same age as my two, and sweet baby Rebecca, in heaven with the Lord. I know that her emotions have got to be insane right now, and I just want to say that I am praying for her and her family that things go smoothly and she will be holding her new blessing without any complications tomorrow afternoon. It really sucks to be so many states away from her while this is happening, but life often takes us along crazy paths. I know with all of my heart that our time close together is not over. Life has more in store for us, and she is a friend who will always be close in my heart. Good luck, my friend. I can not wait to meet that little bundle of joy!!

Baby Minnie fell in the toilet

So, the culmination of quite a few days that have been mostly rainy happened this morning. I heard PLUNK and asked, "WHAT WAS THAT?" Kara said, "Mom, baby Minnie fell in the toilet." Oh crap. Thankfully, the toilet had been recently flushed, but baby Minnie had to be stripped and cleaned. Kara told me that she was trying to potty train her.

I decided then and there that we needed to be out of the house. So, we went off to Quiznos for lunch, then to Walmart, where we ended up spending 2 hours! The girls were amazingly well behaved, and we had a great time. Next we took a package to the post office to send to Daddy. We included some pics that we printed out at Walmart from today. They both looked so cute. I'll have to download the pics later and put one on here.

So, it was a GREAT day! We bought diaper bags for their babies to take on our trip....we needed somewhere to put all that baby stuff! The girls were beside themselves picking them out. It was so very cute.

Now, it's dinner time, and since they are happily playing together, I'm off to make who knows what, but it will probably include frozen peas ;)

This was by far our best day yet! Let's hope that bedtime keeps the theme and I can get some things accomplished tonight after the girls are sleeping.

Right back up again

Thank goodness!

So, today was insane. We had a rough one to start out. Icky rain and inside staring at each other and all that jazz.

Thankfully, the rain cleared and we went outside. It was good for everyone. Bedtime came and things went smoothly, it was atually kinda scary! Just in time for a new routine in PA, eh? HA. I'll take it.

As for today...Memorial Day. Totally surreal that my husband is spending it in Iraq. I mean, he's not there as a soldier, but.... he's still standing up for his country, and we're so proud of him. Memorial Day has always been important in my life. My father was military, and we have so many friends who are active duty and reservists. But this one....this one was weird. It was so much more real and so much more meaningful.

After going though almost a month of this deployment, I can honestly say that I can't even begin to IMAGINE what military families are going through! We only have to do this for 4 months, and we get to email him and talk to him almost every day. We even get to video conference once a month.

It's starting to actually worry me. What this country will be like for my girls. The disconnect that so many children will have to their parents who have been deployed. All of the therapy tha they will no doubt need for having to grow up worrying about parents in the war zone 2 and 3 times. These are kids that my girls will be best friends with and marry and have their own families with.

I'm nervous. It's not good. No matter what I think of the war and if we should be there, there's got to be a better way. These poor people are having their lives totally ruined...and yes, it is that bad.

Just remember

Kids emotions are simple. They really aren't complex. THey aren't capable of that kind of reasoning, not at this age.

She's mad. Leah. I took away the flashlight that she wanted to play with in bed. We had done all the books and ABC game and flashlight and sloopy slop, and she was in a mood. She was MISERABLE all through bedtime. She threw another HUGE tantrum. She said that she missed Todd. We looked at picture books, and I was trying so hard to help her and stop this tantrum from happening. I was kind and gentle and she was so determined that she was going to be crappy. So I was crappy back. Thankfully, I got Kara to sleep first. I was holding her and singing and holding Leah's hand all at the same time. This has GOT to get easier. It just has to.

It's not a good feeling to have your daughter go to sleep really pissed at you and sad. I feel like i didn't do my job by making her feel happy and safe to go to sleep. She was upset at me, which is fine, but she was SAD and wouldn't let me help. I know it's the first of many times this will happen in my life, but wow. It hurt. It was hard to see her sad and not allowing me to help her. Maybe it's because I'm lonely and it's hard to have her mad at me? I don't really even know. All I know is that she's sleeping, and in the morning, she'll probably be fine and not even think again about it. But, for now, I'm sad and crying because I feel like a bad mom, and because my feelings are hurt. Stupid? Maybe, but true.

The deployment is really taking its toll on my emotions. I feel like I have permanent PMS. I really feel fragile and I don't like that because I'm a strong person usually (even if I am technically a 'crier'). I feel like such a whimp with Todd gone. I don't feel like I can handle as much, emotionally, and that's not a good feeling.

I do know that it will be better starting on Thursday when I have more "on site support". I really think we've just reached our limit as to what we can handle on our own is all. I know I have.

I just pray that God will help me do better with these girls and gain more control over my emotions and the situation. I need to be strong for them. They need to know that I will be here and take care of them and that I'm capable of that. They need to not doubt me, and in their own little way, they just might. The testing is constant right now, and it's really really tough. I'm standing my ground, but it's hard when I just want them to stop feeling sad about daddy being gone. HOWEVER, I know that it's the right thing, to be strong, and stand my ground, and keep the rules....so I will.....mostly :)

And, in the meantime, I'll keep on typing here. TO get it out. TO feel better. To let it go. And, i'll be fine.

Are you joking?

So. I never win anything. Well, pretty much nothing. Lottery, contests, sweepstakes, etc etc....not a thing. So imagine my surprise when tonight, after getting my kids in bed (BOTH!) by 8:30, the phone rings. It's a guy at the local parish picnic saying that I've won their BBQ basket and I need to pick it up by 9:00!

UGH! Are you JOKING? My kids are in bed and there is no one else here to watch them. I peek next door. All asleep. I call my other neighbor, no answer, so I try her cell. THANKFULLY, they are just down the street on their way home. So, her older daughter stays at my house with the girls, and Michele offers to drive me so that I don't have to worry about parking my car!! AWESOME!

Did I mention that it's a HUGE basket? There is everything you could ever need for a picnic: Condiments, tablecloth, napkins, plasticware, beans, chips, pretzles, meat thermometer, aluminum foil, plates, bug spray, soda, etc etc, AND a gift certificate to a local place for a backyard bbq (pork chops, potato salad, cole slaw, beans, bbq sauce)...WOOO freaking HOOOOO!


A great day with my girls and a great ending. It's a happy day.

Silly questions

The girls have been obsessed with talking about daddy tonight. It's very cute.

Leah just told me (as she's pretending to talk on her phone) that she's talking to her dad, and he just always asks me silly questions. I said, "oh yeah?" She said, "Do you know what he just asked me?" I said, "No. What?" She said, "He asked me, Are you driving to jail?".

Uh....okay. My kids are as nuts as I am.

I WIN!

Stupid tree. Can't beat me. It might have taken a masonry bit and an hour, but I got all four holes drilled into that tree and the iron capsules are IN! HA.

Some things you shouldn't do

Don't accidentally bang the bottom of your foot (where your toe meets your foot) on a 3/8" drill bit that is on the ground when you are trying to save your big pin oak tree by drilling into it to put iron implants there.

Okay. So, I'm an idiot. And, I don't have the strength to drill into a live tree either. I did the research and these little capsule "implants" do an excellent job, esp on pin oaks (and our big one now looks quite sad). Ahhhhh...crap. I'm not sure that it will be okay to wait until Todd gets back???? If we do, we might be replacing two trees (since the other pin oak has already pretty much died from the same problem). Darn things anyway. Oh well...in the grand scheme of life and all.

The funniest part was that I had no clue that my foot was bleeding so much and while I was mad because I couldn't do it and hurt my foot, I started to put everything back in the garage. So, not only did I have to peroxide my food and bandage it, but I had to clean the blood off of the kitchen and garage floors, too. Honestly. Not my best day ever.

Add to it that these last couple of days I've really been lonely. I mean....up until now it was tolerable most times, but it's a good thing that it's time to head east because I really don't like being by myself anymore (well, you know, yes there are kids here, so I'm not alone, but.....). I need other adults, and as we speak even our neighbors suck because I'm the only one out here, watching ALL of the kids. Who knows where any of them are. Oh what the heck ever.

It was another long night for Kara going to sleep. I'm hanging strong hoping that it will get better soon. She just doesn't like going to bed most nights and gives me every excuse in the book. I think it's mostly her age. We're still nursing and then going to sleep (which she mostly doesn't seem to care about, though now and again she will ask me to have more, which I will deny....telling her that when the sun comes up, she will have another chance). That doesn't seem to be bothering her really....I think part of it is that she's TOO tired by the time we are going to bed. So.....we're going to try to do it earlier for a bit and see what happens. If she's sleeping by 7:30 or 8 latest, maybe it will be better.

Watching IDOL that I taped from tonight. I actually am having great fun this year watching. I don't vote ever, just love to hear/see people singing. Doesn't even matter who wins, though, I must admit, I'll buy a David Cook CD the moment it comes out!

Off to retape my sore foot....this is such a bad place to have a cut! I need to clean my house because my friend Ginger will be here tomorrow, but I don't even have the energy. I mean...it really isn't non-presentable, but I need to quick vacuum and stuff like that. blah....it will wait until after the library tomorrow because I'm just too pooped. I'm watching this and then going to bed. Maybe after a chocolate martini? Well...that won't be the same as if Todd were here to make it! He makes me the best martinis!!

Hey mom.....

"One of my poops looks like a fish"....that would be the quote shouted through the door in a public restroom by my youngest daughter last night at dinner. As if that wasn't funny enough, while I was wiping her (you know that I'm not allowed in the actual stall until she needs help wiping), she said "do you see it, mom? The one that is swimming around!"

Oh yes....it was hard not to pee my pants right there.

Thankfully, no one else was in the place....though it might have made their day like it made mine.

She graduated!!

Can it be possible? My baby? Graduated from preschool? I'm sooooooo proud of her!!! What a beautiful big girl she looked like tonight. She was so confident and strong and sang so wonderfully! It was an amazing experience seeing her get her little diploma and hat tonight. It was a little sad without daddy, but we made due.

The only other thing that stunk was the fact that it didn't start until 7pm, or really that it wasn't OVER until 8:30 (after the CAKE and COOKIES!!!). I had two very tired girls who had a rough time (well, Leah did just fine...another way she is growing up), but Kara had a HUGE meltdown, including clearing off the bookshelf in anger. It was horrid. But, I finally picked her up in a crying heap and got her to let me hold her. I sung a crazy made up "mommy's here" song and she calmed down enough to fall asleep. I held Leah's hand and it was actually sweet after Kara stopped yelling and screaming :P

Overall, the day was a HUGE success. Leah had her last day of school, we gave her teachers their tomatoe plants (that she planted from seeds) and they were very well received. The girls and I went out and had dinner at O'Charley's (Leah picked) for her special night. We came home and got ready for graduation, and had a great time watching the kids singing an getting all of their stuff. It was a wonderful proud momma moment and I will cherish it forever!

Beautiful Sunday

It really is. But, it's not the same without Todd here. There would have been so many things going on at our house today with this gorgeous weather! And, most of them would have gotten finished, if only there was more than me here to do it! Well, or if I had neighbors that I could trust to keep an eye on my kids(oh! I still haven't blogged about my neighbor story from yesterday...maybe tonight after girls are sleeping).

We had a good morning, going to church. Leah really likes Sunday school, though I've got to be honest, I'm not really thrilled about this church. It's a bit too big for my liking. I really loved the feel of our small church growing up and miss that a lot. But, the pastor is interesting and the sermons are good messages, so until Todd can help me find another one that we like better, we'll stick with it.

We picked up the playroom, had some lunch and then went outside to play with our friends. And, by that I mean, we went outside for me to be the adult supervision for every child in the neighborhood. These people have no problem sending their children (even at not quite 3 years old) outside to play. We live JUST off of a 4 lane road, with people coming in to turn around our cul-de-sac OFTEN. THEY ARE NUTS and one of these days, I will have to be the one scraping a child off of the pavement. UGH!

So, time to transplant the tomato plants that we grew from seed. Of course, the wind kicked up to beat the band, but we got it done. One for each of Leah's preschool teachers, and three plants to take back east. We'll plant a couple in our garden to see if they will make it until we get back in July, and give the rest to a friend to put in her garden.

The girls were excited to see the ice cream truck for the first time this spring. Our neighbor, was sweet enough (it was perfect for snack time) to buy all of the kids something from the ice cream man! They were all thrilled.

Some of the parents finally came out and the kids played with their bikes/scooters/motorized cars and generally had fun. Since it was time to make dinner, we came in the house, the girls went out back to dig in the garden (and plant canteloupe seeds...wish them luck!) and I'm cooking our food.

Oh, did I mention that the wind blew our storm door open and now I have to call to get that fixed? Oh, or that since our neighbor kid (who is cutting the lawn) doesn't seem to know exactly WHERE to weed eat (though I will be filling him in AGAIN), I went to do it myself, and there is no string left in the weed eater? Oh, or that I steped on a tiny piece of glass that I can't seem to pull out of my foot, and now every time I walk on it, it jags me? Seriously....I can't complain too much...I'm alive and have a wonderfully healthy family, but holy moly! Sometimes it just seems like you can't win!

Dinner time.

We saw daddy today!!!!

I wasn't really sure about the whole thing at first. The thought of seeing Todd both excited and scared me. At his office, once a month, they set up video conferences between families. We had 1/2 hour to see him and have him see us. It was absolutely amazing.

Seeing him, realizing that he's okay, having him see the girls, knowing that it's going faster than we'd hoped.....it was all incredible. I won't lie, it was pretty hard for me to say goodbye, but wow. The girls thought it was pretty neat. Daddy kept playing with his remote and zooming in on his face and making them giggle. They told him about the birthday party they went to last night and how school and gym are almost over, and for a few minutes, it all seemed so normal. We were together, all of us, and it felt good.

Now, of course, I miss him even more than I did, but I'll survive. I don't know that I'll ever let him know until he's home how hard this really is for me....I mean the emotional missing him part. I need for him to not worry about us that way. It's part of the "being strong" thing, and that's cool. It's important to be a little tough about it, even if it is a little white lie. Truth be told, i think he's fibbing a bit about how he's doing with that part as well.

I think the one thing that I thought about today that I hadn't before is how hard it must be to not have a "normal" life over there. There is no feeding the cats, or running to the grocery store, or heck, even making lunch. There is no cutting the grass, or filling the truck up with gas, or having a drink with the neighbors (oh, the neighbors....that's a whole nother post! Wait for that one!!). I feel bad for him because I think it's probably extra rough on Todd, since he's not the sit still type. BUT, work IS keeping him busy, so that's good...I'm sure the every day blending into the next really sucks, though.

Well, it's getting closer to time for my mom to be here. Truth be told, i can't wait for the "break" and being able to bond more with the girls. I haven't been able to spend as much fun time with them as I'd like, trying to get all of the things done around here and everything. Though, I must admit....I've really been thinking about it, and I need to let things go around here and spend more time with them....just being silly. They need it right now, and so do I. The hell with the laundry and the mail. My kids need me, and I need to do a better job than I have lately. I've been a bit withdrawn, I think, and that's not fair to them...it's not what they need....I WILL do better.....starting in the morning. We are going to cherish this time as a bonding experience that will hopefully spill into the teenage years....a mom can hope, right?

SHE DID IT!

Oh what a night....la la la la....

Although it might have been at 11:00, Kara went to sleep in her bed by herself! It was long and complicated and she didn't really want to go to bed (her words), but she was tired...she wanted me to put her in her bed, so I did. She laid there, closed her eyes and went to sleep!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOO!

Now, if only I had more than 30 minutes to myself tonight! That's okay...totally worth it. Though, we get to talk with Todd on the video conference tomorrow, so I want to get some sleep!

Today was busy, which is almost always good. We went to Powder Valley with Leah's preschool class. Their last field trip of the year. Everyone had a wonderful time. We got to visit the museum to learn all kinds of things about animals that live in the woods. Then we did a half mile hike in the woods. The girls did wonderfully and loved it. They can't wait to take daddy to the place when he comes home.

We came home. Kara took a 3 hour nap!! I talked to Chinell about how close time it is for her baby to come. We got ready and went to a birthday party for Nathan (a boy in Leah's class). It was at the same bowling alley where Leah had her party, and the kids had a ball. If only parents didn't have things like this on a friday night until 7:45. And then give them a bag full of candy to take home! What IS it with these people????

In anycase. It WAS a good day, dispite the fact that Kara went to sleep so late (see Chinell, I TOLD you I could blog happy!). Thankfully, Leah was out in about 3 minutes, so at least one of the three of us should be well rested in the morning!

2 weeks

It seems like it's been forever, yet it seems like it was 3 hours ago that he left. I'm not sure that I could ever have prepared myself for what it would be like with him away. I knew that I would MISS him, but had no idea what I would miss or how much.

It's no secret that Todd and I had our problems over the last couple of years. We have really been working hard on where we were going and making things okay. It seems that things finally got back on track and now he's gone. I think that has become the hardest part for me. Leaving our relationship in limbo for 4 months when we just got it all back. It really stinks.

I feel very lonely. I'm not sure if that would have been the same if this would have happened at another time and place in our lives. It's hard living here without family and familiar friends....the ones who really know me. My neighbors just suck. They are nice people and all, but no one that i feel I could trust or talk with. Certainly not people who could help me with my kids...whatever the hell that means anyway. We aren't people who really leave our kids anyway, so I'm not sure that there is helping to be done.

I do miss adult companionship. Thankfully, I've met a wonderful woman named Ginger, who is the wife of a sweet man, Kris (otherwise known in our house as K-RIS...Todd gives everyone a knickname!). Kris works with Todd and is also deploying in a few weeks. It's nice to have met them because I finally feel like there is someone in this place that I've connected with. Someone that I could have a decent friendship with and that feels good. It's only taken a year...geez! Who knew that it was so freaking difficult to make friends!

My mom will be here in just a couple of weeks. I wonder if I'll make it sometimes. I just feel like I will breakdown before then.....no, of course I won't really....but I can say that I am pretty tired of "staying strong" and "making it work" and "taking care of everything". I'd love to have a few drinks, and pass out for a couple of hours....ha!

In anycase, my thoughts are everywhere tonight. I really miss him. I really really really really really miss him. It's great that we talk almost every day, but it's not the same as having him here. I'm the most lonely at night, which is silly because he is usually in bed way before me anyway, but after the girls are in bed, I wish he could be here hanging out with me...watching TV or a movie...it's when I miss him the most. I miss having conversations about nothing in particular. I miss making our plans for the week coming up. Heck, I miss him blowing his nose every 3 minutes. Just the every day stuff that we always take for granted. I miss it. All of it.

2 weeks? really?

Back to okay

What a freaking roller coaster ride this is. Today was better and for that I am thankful. Bedtime still stinks. It's just so hard the way that we do things to take care of both of them. Leah CAN put herself to sleep, but has come to enjoy our bedtime as much as Todd and I have, I think. She really fades off to sleep quickly when we lie there with her. I have to say, it is AWESOME! I had forgotten how much since Todd is usually the one to do it. Soon enough they will be old enough to do it themselves together, and while I'm happy for THEM that way (I soooo remember my sister and I going to sleep at night in the same room...WONDERFUL memories), I'm sad to think that it's just another way they are growing up too fast for me.

So, Leah just can't be patient while Kara is falling asleep (without a nap, Kara needs sleep by 7:30 ish) and while Kara was nursing to sleep this was fine (she is like me and can do sleep ANYWHERE!)....while she's trying to learn this new go to sleep without the boob thing, she is easily distracted to say the least. Leah is quite mature for her age, but no amount of explaining is helping this. She's just a figety (did I spell that right?) kid by nature (thanks daddy!).

However, they were both sleeping by 9 (seems to be the norm), so I had some alone time which was nice. The day was so blah here. I can't remember a spring so cold and rainy. I'm sure that contributes to the mood here. If only we had a few sunny warm days to lift our spirits!

WE spent our day inside but doing some fun stuff (well the girls played and put on a puppet show for me and danced, I CLEANED). We played some games and that was cool. I really do enjoy spending time with them...they are neat little people.

Talking with Todd today was super cool. He had me on google maps talking me through where his building is. An old picture, as things have changed around where he is, but there was his building and it made me feel a cool kind of connection to him, which was nice. I feel better about WHERE he is after hearing about the security perimeters and such. His building is doubly secured, if that matters. Didn't thrill me to hear that they had an "incoming" siren while they were eating today (chow is actually in an adjacent building). Makes things so much more real to hear that.

It's nice, too, that he calls me sometimes before I go to bed. At 11:30 or so here, he is getting up to start his day, and just hearing his voice for 3 minutes makes a big difference. Helps me feel better about sleeping (which I'm not able to do much of lately, as is evidenced by the fact that I'm typing this at almost 1 am).

Alright. I actually AM tired and Leah has school tomorrow, so NO sleeping in (like they would anyway!).

Too hard today

I don't even know where to start. Pure emotion from me right now. Putting the girls to bed sucked in the biggest way tonight. Kara didn't really complain about not nursing to sleep but didn't seem to be able to figure out a way to get to sleep. I'm tired. I'm grumpy. I had to spend mother's day without my husband and I hated it. I yelled and I'm not proud of it.

Kara finally fell asleep in my arms. The really sucky part is that Leah didn't get the one on one time that we usually get. I feel HORRIBLE about it. I know that's what is keeping her going. It's what she misses the most about her daddy, and it's so important that i give it to her. It makes me think that weaning Kara should wait, but I am sooooo done with nursing that I can't even stand it anymore.

I know that I can try to make it up to her tomorrow, but I'm sorry that she went to bed sad tonight. She said it was fine and she understood, but I know that she was hurting and it sucks to know that your child is hurting. Even in a small way. I can't even stop crying and I know that it is so much more than just that. But crap!

I hate doing all of this. I hate that I have to do every single thing every single minute of every single day. I hate that I don't get a break and that by the time they are sleeping I don't WANT to do anything because I'm tired and I need a break. I feel completely unorganized and overwhelmed and I don't even know where to start. Somehow things aren't getting really done, and I'm not spending the time that I want to with my girls. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle wondering around all of the time and I don't know how to change it.

I really want this experience to bond the girls and I, but I keep seeing all of the things that I feel like I should be doing (DAMN YOU TODD FOR THAT). I need to just let it all go, but I can't seem to find a way. I need to just enjoy my girls. They won't be little forever, and this will be the only summer that they are 3 and 5, and I so want to remember the time I had with them when they were little like this as a good time for all of us.

Something has to give. I just feel so stressed. I hate that my friends and family are so far away. I just have to hang in there for a couple more weeks, and maybe it will be better when I have "help".

In the meantime, I have bills and cat litter, trash and insurance mistakes, an account that is in Todd's name that needs to be closed just added to the list today.

Screw it all. I want a drink.

How totally sweet

I just realized that my girls are best friends. I mean...they've played together for a long time now and done well, but I really just payed attention and listened and they are truly best friends. Awwwwwwww. How cool!

I remember how important my sister was to me growing up. How we were always best pals (even when we hated each other) and how much FUN we had together. I'm so excited that my girls are entering that stage of life. They are so stinking cute I can't stand it.

They giggle and whisper secrets and have little sayings and "things" that only they know about. Ooooh! I'm so jealous, but I LOVE IT!

Time to wash hairs in the tub...must run.

Regression...

Just when I thought that we were falling into some sort of normalcy, an insane night hits us. Leah decided to through one of her biggest tantrum since she was Kara's age. It freaking SUCKED to have to deal with it alone. Kara needed to get to sleep, which she was NOT going to do with her sister freaking out. At the same time, nothing I could do could calm Leah and get her to be reasonable. I was calm, I freaked out, I hugged her, I smacked her butt, it didn't matter. NOTHING was going to make her calm down until she was good and ready. What sent her into this downward spiral? I asked her to go to the bathroom before bed. Yes, that's right...apparently she's allergic to peeing.

She finally settled enough for me to help Kara (who was also crying at this point). It was an hour later than I wanted it to be, but sleep was quick for her. She even didn't argue when I asked her to unlatch after nursing to fall asleep. She just did it, snuggled up to me and that was that! A total silver lining tonight for sure.

Then, Leah and I tried to read a book and get her to do the sleep thing and she told me that she didn't like sleeping. It was her least favorite thing and then the tantrum started again. She finally did go to the bathroom, and I had to drag her yelling to mine and Todd's room so that she didn't wake up her sister. It was such a major mess.

However, we had a great talk about what was going on with her. She told me that she missed her daddy and wished that he could be with her to put her to bed. She didn't like the way that we were doing it now. Hopefully, she and I can come up with a way that will work better for her (and me in the long run) tomorrow. In the meantime it broke my heart.

Maybe it's the fact that it's been an entire week? Who knows the reason but today was a bad one for all of us. I really had an emotional time the more the day wore on. Strange that it's so much worse after being better each day before now. I dont' know anything except for the fact that I hope to heck it gets better for tomorrow.

No sleep is NOT good

I've realized that I'm a horrible mom when I'm tired. This isn't totally news to me,but it is much more apparent with Todd away. Kara got a bloody nose in the middle of the night last night and when we were cleaning it up decided that she didn't particularly feel like going back to sleep. So, she and I were awake from 1 until 3 (did I mention that I was just going to bed when this all started, so I hadn't slept yet?). It freaking sucked.

Thankfully, we got to speak with Todd again today and that was cool. He seems to be doing well which makes me worry a little less and that's nice.

Hmmmm. I'm actually too tired to really form a decent thought right now, and so I think I'm just going to not bother trying.

Time for some sleep for this momma.

Getting the hang of it

So, we seem to be falling into a decent routine. The girls aren't asking as much about Todd in a sad way, but really enjoy talking with him when he calls. For me, it's the highlight of my day for sure! It actually works out well that he's getting up when I'm going to bed and he's going to bed in the middle of our afternoon. Thank goodness he's in a place that he can contact us!

Talking with him today made me feel better. He was telling me more about how safe he feels where he is and the security that is surrounding his building. He told me about the sirens that go off when they are about to be fired upon (the green zone, NOT his building), and the bunkers that are around for them in case they are out and about at the time. WOW. It's still pretty crazy to think about it all.

The girls and I had a good day. I wanted to take them to the zoo, but they wanted to go to Grant's Farm again to see the things that the missed the other day. We hung around home to get some things done and then went there for lunch and the afternoon. It was very cool spending time with them there....so relaxing. They really enjoy it and that makes me happy.

Betime was decent tonight, though I think that I need to be sure to keep on top of things were Kara is concerned. If she's not sleeping by 7:30 on the nights that she hasn't had a nap, it won't be pretty. Leah is having a hard time falling asleep....she's just like her father! I'm realizing that 9:00 is pretty much her bedtime, so we might find some extra books (maybe some fun chapter ones) to start reading with the extra time between when Kara hits the sheets and she gets tired. It needs to be something low key like reading for her, or she won't be able to settle until midnight!

Okay...of to finish watching IDOL on the dvr. Hopefully, I'll hear from my hubby before he starts his day! It would be nice to talk with him when the kids aren't bugging me for the phone!

Changing my mind

Okay. So, I'm not a tough mommy. I'm not a pushover, either. I'm really not. However, I can't justify upsetting Kara again like last night just to stop this nursing to sleep thing. There has to be a simpler way. I've decided that I'm going back to my gradual program of nursing her until she's sleepy then asking her to unlatch and fall asleep the rest of the way. She was completely happy with this arrangement tonight and was out by 7:15! Okay...now THIS is more like it.

When daddy comes home, if it hasn't happened before then in this much gentler way, he can work on getting her to sleep without me. It shouldn't be so stinking difficult for her....daddy doesn't have these big ole boobies.

So, just when I think I have my head together, I realize that I left one of my bags at the checkout at Walmart. UGH. Thankfully, as I figure this out (at 9pm, after having been there at 10:30am), I call, they know about it and tell me that the next time I come in I should pick up the items and bring my receipt to the customer service desk. Oh man....brilliant move goofus. The worst part is that now I don't have my instant oatmeal for breakfast tomorrow. Crud.

After school today, Leah decided that she wanted me to take her training wheels off her her bike for her to practice riding on two wheels again. I'm thrilled that her daddy got to be the one to give her her first instruction on the HOW TO ride a bike thing before he left. I don't think I would have been very smooth about it...I know HOW to ride, but am so not sure I could TELL someone how to.

In any case, we took the wheels off, and she sat on the bike. After I helped her get started (she's not excited about that part yet), off she went. I, of course, ran beside her in the obligatory manner, but she didn't need me. She was shocked when I told her that I thought she should try it herself. Nervously, she decided she would and WOW!!! She was sooooooooo proud! If only I had a video!

Now, since we live on a cul de sac....the only catch is that she's only practiced going CLOCKWISE. Counterclockwise presented a challege. TOO CUTE. I'm sure that it won't take much and she'll be off. Just another way of proving to me that she's growing up faster than I'm okay with :)

Well. With the girls in bed, there is much for me to do. First, I need to get some bills PAID. Then, hopefully, I'll get to chat with my husband as I'm going to bed, and he's waking up. I still can't get used to that.

He's at his office now. In the green zone. In IRAQ. Holy crap. That is still crazy to me. He seems to be happy to be there and finally able to start his work. I think that he will be super busy and that will help him. I'm very glad that he sounds emotionally so much better now. It will be interesting to hear all that he has to say in the next few days about the place. The GIS chick in me thinks that it would be SO COOL to be doing that job! Just NOT there.

I'm so thankful that we will be able to speak with him almost every day. What a blessing. Today he mentioned that his living quarters are pretty nice. Almost like a dorm. He has his room with a bed, TV, mini fridge, DVD player...etc. There is a group bathroom down the hall. He lives, eats, works, worksout in the same building. THAT makes me feel a bit better, for sure. I'm SO not excited about him being out and about in the green zone. Maybe I'll be used to it about the time he comes home.

Catching up...

Because this blog is going to serve as a record to me of our days without daddy....I need to catch up with our day from Sunday.

After going to church, the girls and I all went to get our "hairs cut". Leah and I decided that we have already had enough and we wanted short hair for the summer. I'm happy with mine, and hers is, of course, totally adorable! It's shorter...up off her colar....acctually abotu 4 inches cut off, which is a big deal for her. Kara decided that a trim would be fine for her....she looks so cute in the chair...such a big girl. Now, I need to take the plunge and get some color to cover my GREY!!! No, I don't want to talk about it. Blah.

On the way home, the girls were talking about going outside to play, then Leah chimed in, "Mom, I would really like to go to Grant's Farm. We can play outside tomorrow". How could I resist? So, we made our first trip of the season to one of our local parks We now have our season parking pass, so the girls are thrilled. We enjoyed a gorgeous day and had some dippin' dots. The girls remarked that Daddy would have loved to have been with us to enjoy a beer in the biergarten. They know him too well.

Days pass much quicker when we keep so busy, which is nice.

When kids get angry

So, everyone who knows me knows how much I can't STAND to hear my girls cry. I don't like it when they're upset, even when it's 'for their own good'....which means that tonight really sucked for me.

Kara does not seem to agree with me that not having a boob in her mouth to go to sleep should be our common goal. I was trying a gentle approach, lying down with her and nursing her to almost sleeping and asking her to turn over. It was going so-so, and sometimes she would really get mad about letting go, and I would give in, until she was super tired and couldn't argue, and that wasn't *really* getting us anywhere.

So, last night wasn't too bad.

Tonight, however, was HORRENDOUS! She was *so* mad at me and she was *so* upset. I knew, though, that if I ever want this to happen, I had to follow it through. I'm not denying her nursing (though, that really is my goal). I know that with her daddy gone, it is too much to ask that she give that up right now. I'm okay with that. I stuck to my guns. She nursed while we read a story with Leah and then she fired up. About 45 minutes later, she is finally asleep (thanks to some stand up bouncing from mommy) and somehow, her sister, who can't fall asleep with any kind of distractions, fell asleep amid the angry yells from Kara that she "wanted nursies" and "mommy you're mean".

Please, please, please tell me that night 2 is the WORST!?!?! I feel awful. I know that she's okay. I know that this is something that needs to be done for us. I know that in the morning she will be fine. I also know that breaking your own daughter's heart is hard and it sucks. It also sucks not to have a daddy here to help me do this.

Now I'm second guessing if I should just wait until he can help. I wonder if when he comes back, she would go to sleep for him and there wouldn't be any of this nonsense. After all, I'M the one who created this sleep association for her and let it go on this long. It's really not easy for her to fall asleep for mommy with boobs right in front of her. Maybe it's because I feel guilty that she was so sad. Maybe it's because my emotions aren't just silly this time and they might have it right.

Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow and decide.

A major milestone

Tonight was just too important not to remember this. Kara went to sleep with me holding her and didn't even ASK to nurse! We've been doing a very gradual weaning process with her (it's so true that every child is different!), and lately we've only been nursing at bedtime and not TO sleep. You see, after three years, I think I'm finally done. Of course, if you'd have asked me before Kara was born, I wouldn't have imagined going past two years...and if you'd have asked me before Leah was born, I wouldn't have imagine going past ONE year.

Making it to three years has actually been wonderful in so many ways! She was always a booby baby, and that is what would truly calm her no matter what was going on. It just made things sooooo easy to be able to nurse her (I can see why the rest of the world does things the way they do!). I've given her so much protection from disease, and in turn have protected myself MORE from so many cancers. Our relationship has flourished and we are so close. But, now, it may be time. Certainly, I need to be able to not worry about it at bedtime.

So, tonight I just decided she could do this. We talked about it, and she seemed okay with it, until it was time (of course). But, between Leah and I, we distracted her and before she knew it, she was snuggled up to me and TIRED. She whined a bit about not wanting to go to sleep, but wasn't strong willed in any way. She seemed just as ready as me. She went to sleep, I layed her down, and realized that Leah was asleep, too! What a treat...both in bed before 9:00 tonight!

I'm sure I'll be sad when it is truly over, but for now, I'm so happy that we've made such a big step, and SO TOTALLY PROUD of Kara for tonight!

And one last thought, speaking of proud....Leah was just the total best helper today! She listened well, put her dishes in the kitchen (and Kara's) after dinner, and even went to get the broom and swept under the table! Her daddy would be so happy!! I can't wait to tell him.

I'm supposed to maybe hear from him tonight (it will be his morning and my late night, since we are 8 hours apart). He will be flying to his final destination tomorrow. I'm happy for him that he will be able to start working soon!

It's the little things

Just when I think that I'm having an okay day, I open the fridge and see POTATO SALAD! Now, just how might something so silly mean so much? Todd loves it...me, not so much. It makes me sad to think that he should be here to have it.

How's that for a basket case?

Daaaaaadyyyyyyy

The day started out fairly normal, although I DID have to wake Leah up for school, since she fell asleep so late last night. Kara and I dropped Leah off at school, went to gym class, came back to get Leah, then took HER to gym class. Keeping busy was GOOD!

We came home, dealt with a dreary, windy day by staying inside, and everything was petty normal. We made dinner, went upstairs, played UNO, got ready for bed, and then all hell broke loose!

The girls have their moments. Sometimes getting to sleep is the last thing they feel like doing. I really didn't think it would be difficult today because they were both soooooo tired. We had just watched the video of bedtime stories that daddy made for the girls (the SNEETCHES), and it must have really hit the girls hard seeing daddy. For the next 45 minutes, I had at least one of them crying "daaaadddyyyyy". We tried everything, to no avail. They just couldn't settle, and if one of them did, the other wouldn't. Finally, after I took them both to "mommy and daddy's bed", sat there holding them together, they started to settle. Then, Kara wanted to nurse and fell asleep while Leah settled and finally passed out as well.

It was heart wrenching. I wanted to cry with them. I got ANGRY at them...it was INSANE! In the end, thankfully, I mostly stayed calm and helped them settle. I really didn't think it would be this tough on them. I know that consistency is the key and that in a couple of more days, they will adjust to this newness, but wow. This really stinks!!

The good news is that I still started my exercising today. Only did about 20 minutes on the bike, but it was 6 miles. My plan is to do that every night after I get them to bed (which means that they will continue to be difficult). After a few nights, I might even try to add another 1/2 hour in the morning when we wake up (maybe the girls could lay in bed and watch a show or something).

It always gets worse before it gets better, right?

It's all downhill from here

I have to concentrate on the positive. It's the only way I feel like I can get through this. I have to be strong for my girls, no matter how hard it really is for me. YES, they can see me be sad, but NO they can not see me BREAK DOWN. I have to save that for private. They have to know that they can count on me to be here and take care of them.

I got used to the idea of my husband volunteering for this trip. It took a LONG time for me to warm up to it. I mean, HOW could one ever WANT to leave his family for four months when he didn't have to? But, with a LOT of late nights and much talking, I discovered all of the wonderful reasons that he would want to do this. You see....I have one of the good ones. He felt that he never got to "do his part" as a soldier, and now that he had the chance to help with something so important to him, he wanted to do it. This is his dream, career wise. This is a chance for him to feel like he means something to more than just his family and friends. He is AMAZING at what he does, and I have no doubt that he will make a difference. Our job then, is to live without his presence for four months. Not an easy task.

Today went pretty much the way that it seemed it might. We had a great time just doing things around the house. The girls, T and I went out for lunch at one of our favorite new places, 54th Street Bar and Grill. The girls sat at the bar and played touch screen (a fun new passtime with daddy), and we had a couple of drinks (to help us relax??). We came home, watched/helped daddy pack, then it was off to the airport.

It was harder for him, he said, than he thought it would be. Saying goodbye to a five and three year old who adore you must be one of the most difficult things on earth. It was so hard to watch him hug those girls....to KNOW what was in his heart at the moment was unbearable to me. I could do NOTHING to help. Part of the process. Over now. Thank God.

I didn't like leaving the airport. It was like we were leaving him...on his own....without our support. He knows that our thoughts are always with and of him, though. It just felt so strange to know that we wouldn't see him again for so long. Not real. I'm not sure it is still. The house feels empty, but I can not fatham that it will be this way for the next 118 days. Too hard to wrap my head around.

With the help of God and my friends and family, I will get us through this. We are so lucky. To have a man in our lives that is such a good role model for what is right. To only have to be without him for four short months, compared to the year + that so many military families endure. To know that we will be able to hear his voice, exchange emails and maybe even see his face on a webcam now and again. We are so very lucky.

The girls and I went to gym class. We had dinner out. We came home. When Kara saw daddy's truck in the driveway, she yelled exctiedly, "Daddy's home!!". I wasn't prepared for that....overwhelming sadness. They opened the scooters that daddy left for them and were so terribly excited, but still sad. I didn't think they would really express their sadness so much. I thought they wouldn't "get it" really. Leah is especially having a hard time. She was awake until 9:40, only going to sleep after daddy called from Dulles to say he was on the plane to leave the country and wish her a good night with love. Kara seems to be bouncing back from the tears she shed at the airport ("I dont' want daddy to go to his work").

I sit here trying hard to keep my mind busy. I know that if I let it wonder I will be neck deep in tissues. I'll track his flight to feel better, but won't really until I hear from HIM that he has arrived safely to his destination. 2 hours down, 10.5 to go. Sweet dreams.