Being with my family is nice in so many ways, but there are still those days that this just sucks beyond belief! Yesterday was one of those for me. I actually ended up SICK. I have no doubt that it was stress and lack of sleep. Since arriving at my parents house, I haven't been able to go to sleep before 2 am. Now, thankfully, a few mornings, I slept in until 8, but still....6 hours doesn't work for me at all.
I still don't feel like I can totally relax and let go. I feel like my parents have this attitude that I just have to tough it out, and the kids are totally my responsibility. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it's right. I mean, they ARE my responsibility. On the other hand, if I can't count on them to help me catch a few minutes of a break, then who can I count on? I mean, really....would it hurt for them to offer to watch the kids while I go do some shopping or something? I ran to the convenient store a mile away today, and it was the first 10 minutes that I was ALONE since my husband left (without a responsibility besides myself). No wonder my body shut down yesterday.
Emotionally, I had a rough one, too. I keep thinking about father's day and how he won't be here. It really sucks. I know that it will be fine and we will get through it, but I hate it. I hate it for my girls. I hate it for me and for him. But, he volunteered....and there are still days that I'm really angry at him for that. Esp. when we're swimming, and i have two girls in vests in the water who both want to take them off to "learn how to really swim" and I can't do it alone. They aren't patient enough to take turns because they are too excited. So, I'll have to come up with some kind of plan for this one.
It's also very hard being home emotionally. I don't like being in this place....where I grew up. My life is so far gone from this place now. I don't like the feelings that I have here....that I'm out of place. I don't fit in here. I don't belong here, and it's uncomfortable. Without sounding like too much of a snob, I'm beyond this place and most of these people. There isn't much of an open mind in small town, rural Pennsylvania, and I can't really deal much with that. I don't have a tolerance for closed minds....strong opinions, yes, but not closed minds. I keep having funky dreams about people in high school and all kinds of weird shit. I don't like it one bit.....there is a reason why I've left all of that behind me. I love my life the way it is......and sadly (because I DO miss my family), that is a life that is NOT here.
Well, I'm all over the place tonight. I need to get some Disney planning done. I'm glad to hear from Todd that he's looking forward to our trip when he returns. I think it will be a great help to all of us reconnecting.....at least I HOPE it will!!!
Tourguidemike, here I come.
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