Dear God

Help me to get better at this. Guide me in a way that I can help my children deal with their daddy being away. Be with us so that we may come together as a family and be strong. Amen.

Today is just one of those days that I am done. I want to run and hide and pretend that I'm a child again. I want someone to take care of me. I want a grown up who knows how to do this to take care of my girls. I can't possibly deal with things when I don't have a clue what to do to make them okay.

The girls are having a VERY hard time adjusting to being at Grandma's house. So much so, that I'm second guessing our coming here. For me, it's mostly better because I'm not alone. However, it's really hard when it comes time for BED. In Saint Louis, we'd just gotten into a grove and finally had it all down. Uno. Brush teeth, potty, bath. Books. ABC game (mostly Kara nursed here). Bed for Kara. Once she was sleeping, Leah and I did another book or two, laid down and talked then she went to sleep. Everyone was out by 9 and that was that.

Let's just say that at 10:15 (MO time), my girls are finally sleeping. One or the other of them has had a MAJOR tantrum after dinner/before bed for every night that we've been here. I dont' know exactly WHY, other than, gee...daddy being gone, being away from their house and routine, having a grandmother who (although she loves them to death) seems to feel like she needs to show me how to be a better mom by constantly "putting my girls in their place". I'm having some REAL issues with that, I have to say. Sometimes I just don't get where she is coming from, or why she feels the need to be so in charge. We have different feelings on kids and the way to deal with many things. For some reason, apparently in her house she won't respect my ways, but rather, she'll make up the rules. My poor girls are suffering for it, and they must be so freaking confused.

So, after tonight, Kara FREAKING out more than I;ve ever seen. Me getting upset, her upset, Leah feeling bad for Kara and me. Kara hitting me, me spanking Kara...the list goes on.....I've decided that it's just going to have to be all about those girls from me while we're away. I know that things need to stay somewhat "normal", but that's out the window at this point. I will try my best to just be with them so that the three of us can get through this. To hell with pretty much anything else.

I really really could have used Todd to lean on today. If he were here, these problems wouldn't have existed. Sometimes I'm pretty pissed off about that. I do understand, but hope he knows what these girls are going through for him, and our country (in a weird way). He's not the only one sacrificing. I hate that my girls didn't have a choice about it,