Just remember

Kids emotions are simple. They really aren't complex. THey aren't capable of that kind of reasoning, not at this age.

She's mad. Leah. I took away the flashlight that she wanted to play with in bed. We had done all the books and ABC game and flashlight and sloopy slop, and she was in a mood. She was MISERABLE all through bedtime. She threw another HUGE tantrum. She said that she missed Todd. We looked at picture books, and I was trying so hard to help her and stop this tantrum from happening. I was kind and gentle and she was so determined that she was going to be crappy. So I was crappy back. Thankfully, I got Kara to sleep first. I was holding her and singing and holding Leah's hand all at the same time. This has GOT to get easier. It just has to.

It's not a good feeling to have your daughter go to sleep really pissed at you and sad. I feel like i didn't do my job by making her feel happy and safe to go to sleep. She was upset at me, which is fine, but she was SAD and wouldn't let me help. I know it's the first of many times this will happen in my life, but wow. It hurt. It was hard to see her sad and not allowing me to help her. Maybe it's because I'm lonely and it's hard to have her mad at me? I don't really even know. All I know is that she's sleeping, and in the morning, she'll probably be fine and not even think again about it. But, for now, I'm sad and crying because I feel like a bad mom, and because my feelings are hurt. Stupid? Maybe, but true.

The deployment is really taking its toll on my emotions. I feel like I have permanent PMS. I really feel fragile and I don't like that because I'm a strong person usually (even if I am technically a 'crier'). I feel like such a whimp with Todd gone. I don't feel like I can handle as much, emotionally, and that's not a good feeling.

I do know that it will be better starting on Thursday when I have more "on site support". I really think we've just reached our limit as to what we can handle on our own is all. I know I have.

I just pray that God will help me do better with these girls and gain more control over my emotions and the situation. I need to be strong for them. They need to know that I will be here and take care of them and that I'm capable of that. They need to not doubt me, and in their own little way, they just might. The testing is constant right now, and it's really really tough. I'm standing my ground, but it's hard when I just want them to stop feeling sad about daddy being gone. HOWEVER, I know that it's the right thing, to be strong, and stand my ground, and keep the rules....so I will.....mostly :)

And, in the meantime, I'll keep on typing here. TO get it out. TO feel better. To let it go. And, i'll be fine.