Too hard today

I don't even know where to start. Pure emotion from me right now. Putting the girls to bed sucked in the biggest way tonight. Kara didn't really complain about not nursing to sleep but didn't seem to be able to figure out a way to get to sleep. I'm tired. I'm grumpy. I had to spend mother's day without my husband and I hated it. I yelled and I'm not proud of it.

Kara finally fell asleep in my arms. The really sucky part is that Leah didn't get the one on one time that we usually get. I feel HORRIBLE about it. I know that's what is keeping her going. It's what she misses the most about her daddy, and it's so important that i give it to her. It makes me think that weaning Kara should wait, but I am sooooo done with nursing that I can't even stand it anymore.

I know that I can try to make it up to her tomorrow, but I'm sorry that she went to bed sad tonight. She said it was fine and she understood, but I know that she was hurting and it sucks to know that your child is hurting. Even in a small way. I can't even stop crying and I know that it is so much more than just that. But crap!

I hate doing all of this. I hate that I have to do every single thing every single minute of every single day. I hate that I don't get a break and that by the time they are sleeping I don't WANT to do anything because I'm tired and I need a break. I feel completely unorganized and overwhelmed and I don't even know where to start. Somehow things aren't getting really done, and I'm not spending the time that I want to with my girls. I'm stuck somewhere in the middle wondering around all of the time and I don't know how to change it.

I really want this experience to bond the girls and I, but I keep seeing all of the things that I feel like I should be doing (DAMN YOU TODD FOR THAT). I need to just let it all go, but I can't seem to find a way. I need to just enjoy my girls. They won't be little forever, and this will be the only summer that they are 3 and 5, and I so want to remember the time I had with them when they were little like this as a good time for all of us.

Something has to give. I just feel so stressed. I hate that my friends and family are so far away. I just have to hang in there for a couple more weeks, and maybe it will be better when I have "help".

In the meantime, I have bills and cat litter, trash and insurance mistakes, an account that is in Todd's name that needs to be closed just added to the list today.

Screw it all. I want a drink.